Chainsaw Massacre

As I have established, food challenge shows have been known to get me into some trouble. Well….home decorating shows have been known to have the same affect. Some years ago, I was watching a decorating show and the interior designer cut the arms off of an old sofa and recovered the sofa in white fabric. The result was a beautiful chic and modern looking sofa. At the time Tom and I wanted to make some changes to our formal living room. We had an old sofa in there and it just wasn’t fitting into the color scheme. I suggested that Tom let me make some minor changes to the sofa. Actually all I got out of my mouth was, “I saw this designer cut the arms off a sofa with a chainsaw.” I’m not sure where I lost him there but I did. He immediately turned around and started to walk away. Well after chasing him down and begging him and assuring him that by simply viewing about 1 minute of TV footage I was surely and expert in sofa renovation, Tom finally gave in and told me to have at it. Actually, I think he said, “Whatever, just be prepared to buy a new sofa when your experiment doesn’t work.” His lack of confidence in me gave me all that much more motivation to prove him wrong.

Bright and early that Saturday morning operation sofa renovation commenced. Since the sofa was extremely heavy and difficult to move out of the room it was in, I decided to hack the arms off inside the house. Tom feared for his daughter’s lives so he ushered them outside for the day. I grabbed a hold of the chainsaw and some safety goggles and let her rip. VVVRRROOOMMM. In hindsight, I realize that for passersby it must have been quite a sight. I was standing right in front of our big front picture window with a chainsaw in my hand, sawing apart my sofa. Wood and fabric were flying all over the place. I am sure I looked like a crazed lady. Come to think of it invitations to neighborhood playgroups did dwindle a little. Anyway I digress, at one point the chain came off the chainsaw which necessitated a trip to Ace Hardware. When the sales man handed me back my newly repaired chainsaw, he said, “Be careful with that Mame.” Perhaps he saw that wild frenzy in my eyes. I was wild with determination that this sofa was going to be fabulous when I was finished with it, and Tom would be eating his words.

After a couple of hours (not the 1 minute as TV land had mistakenly indicated), I had successfully dismembered the arms from my sofa. I had also successfully weakened the back. Who new that the arms helped to support the back of the sofa? I ran out to the garage and grabbed a hammer and some nails. Using wood from the arms, I fashioned some new supports for the back. It wasn’t pretty but I figured it was ok because it would all be covered in fabric. Satisfied with my back supports, I moved around to take a look at my almost masterpiece from the front. It was really something….and it was slanting ever so slightly to the right. Apparently the arms also provide some support to the front of the sofa. Many hours later and lots of nails, screws, and wood later I thought I had the sofa stable. Well as stable as it was going to be for the day because I had about 10 cuts, sweat dripping from all over my body, and muscles aching from beyond exhaustion.

The next day I set out for the local fabric store and purchased my white material. I placed the material over the sofa and attempted to make a new slipcover just as I had seen the designers do on this decorating show many times. The slipcover also turned out a little cockeyed but I was able to make it work by tucking it under the cushions. I screwed the new legs I had purchased for the sofa on, and called Tom into the house to assist in setting my new masterpiece on its feet and into place.

Tom walked in and I could tell by the look on his face that he really wanted this project to be a success. It had encompassed my whole weekend and left behind many battle scars. Not to mention that the failure of my project would mean we had to buy a new sofa. With the sofa righted and in place, we both stepped back to view the masterpiece. We were both a little speechless. The new sofa stood about 8 inches higher then a normal sofa. I’m not entirely sure why that happened. It also still slanted ever so slightly to the right. But, if you stood slightly off center and tilted your head just a little then it looked closer to being straight. Now for the final test, someone needed to sit on it. I briefly considered challenging Tom to a game of rock, paper, scissors to determine who would have the “honor,” but I knew it had to be me. I walked up to the sofa, turned around, and very gingerly sat down on my new sofa. When it didn’t completely give way, I slowly relaxed more of my weight onto the sofa. I let out a sigh of relief. Ha! It had worked. A smile came across my face. The sofa didn’t look exactly like the one on TV, ok it didn’t look anything like the one on TV, but I had executed my plan to the best of my ability. I didn’t care how ugly it looked. I had decided to hack up my sofa with a chainsaw to make a new one and I did it. Tom congratulated me on my accomplishment, and because he is such a great guy he never commented on how ugly it had turned out. Just as I was getting ready to stand up from the sofa there was a tiny shift and the weight of the sofa moved ever so slightly. I suggested that perhaps we should just be careful with the sofa. I also pointed out that since the sofa was in the formal living room, it was most definitely off limits for the girls to jump on. They could save that for the family room sofa. Besides, this sofa was now my masterpiece and any artisan wouldn’t want children jumping on their masterpiece.

Two days later, Tom and I were trying to decide where to hang some pictures in the formal living room. We were getting frustrated over the process. Tom walked over to the sofa and sat down. He didn’t throw his whole body weight down onto the sofa, but he also didn’t delicately and timidly sit down as I had a couple days before and every time since that I had sat on the sofa. One dramatic shift to the right and BANG, down went the sofa with Tom tumbling after. The sofa was kicked to the curb and I was sent out to find and purchase a new sofa. I also had to admit that he was right and I was wrong.