Hotel OBGYN

I feel obligated to disclose that this column might be uncomfortable for a man so beware and stop reading if you feel squeamish over discussions regarding females and their doctor appointments. With that disclosure out of the way, here we go.

I recently had to go to my annual exam. As some of you are aware, I have relocated to a new town which necessitated a new doctor. I have moved around quite a bit over the past few years, so I have had to get acquainted with a new doctor a lot lately. It is kind of like going on blind date. I’m not real sure what the doctor will be like or if I will want a long term relationship with the doctor. So it’s a gamble with each annual exam.

I have to admit that I was impressed when I arrived at my appointment. I walked into the office, and it looked like I was walking into a hotel lobby. It was nicely decorated with wallpaper, flower arrangements, and inviting plush sofas. I “checked in” at the front desk and patiently waited for the nurse to call me back to the exam room. Let me just say that I do not like having my annual exam. I detest it. So while I was waiting for the nurse, I sat in the waiting room and grew ever anxious about my impending appointment.

At last it was my turn. I followed the nurse back to the exam room which was also decorated very invitingly, very hotelish. I then proceeded to answer all of her personal and invasive questions. Afterwards I was instructed to strip down completely and put on a flimsy paper gown which I was to leave open in the front. Nothing quite like cutting to the chase. After the nurse left and I prepared myself for the exam, it occurred to me just how personal this relationship is. Here I am in an office that I have never been in before being questioned by a nurse and doctor that I have never met before, and about to have a very intimate moment with said doctor. It begged to question that perhaps having an annual exam would be a little bit more pleasurable if I were offered a glass of wine at check in and the doctor dimmed the lights a little. I mean seriously, here we are about to get very personal and the only efforts to make me feel comfortable and relaxed are some nice decorations and furniture. If you’re going to go to all of this effort, why not go the extra mile and offer some relaxing beverages and mood lighting.

A couple of years ago, I had to have a mammogram. I was pretty nervous about having the procedure and had put it off for a long time. I had heard so many horror stories from other women and let’s face it having your breast flattened like a pancake just doesn’t sound like a good time. When a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer, I decided it was time to get over the fear of a mammogram because cancer is way scarier. I remember waiting in the exam room for the technician and noticing an array of comics related to having a mammogram hanging on a bulletin board. Not one to turn down an opportunity to have a good laugh, I began reading the comics. I also remember laughing very hard at the comics and instantly relaxing. I was no longer freaked out about the smashing machine located behind me. Not only was the procedure not bad at all, but I remember saying to the technician that I would much rather come back every year and have my breasts smashed then go to the gynecologist for my annual exam. She said they get that a lot.

So, if the OBGYN isn’t going to offer wine and mood lighting, can they at least offer up some good comics? I was talking with a pharmaceutical sales representative one time who calls on gynecologist offices. He said once when he was in an office he saw a comic in the break room that showed a woman looking at a written message her husband had left for her on the refrigerator door. The message said, “Your doctor called and said your Pabst Beer is ok.” Now that’s funny. If that comic had been plastered to the ceiling of my exam room, I could have been laying there laughing rather then hyperventilating. So my suggestion is this for the OBGYN, either offer wine or comics. I have a feeling comics will win out over wine, but hey, I tried.