Maggie and Naggie

My Tom is directionally challenged, very directionally challenged. When we got married, we decided to move to the city he had grown up in. It always made me laugh because he could get lost in the city he had lived in virtually his whole life. It doesn’t really help to give him written directions because he can still get lost following those. After we moved to the suburbs of a major city, he would call me and ask me to look on the map and help direct him home. He would still get lost.

This inability to follow directions caused me to do something drastic. I bought Tom a Magellan Roadmate for Christmas two years ago. Tom affectionately called her “Maggie”. Tom and Maggie had a special relationship. Maggie was always patient and sweet to Tom. She was patient and sweet even when he blatantly disobeyed her verbal directions and missed turns. See…even gets lost with a GPS. Don’t send this man out into the forest with a compass. You’ll never see him again. I’m not kidding. Yes, Maggie would tell Tom to turn right at the next intersection, and he would fly right through it. Maggie would tell Tom to keep to the right on the highway, and he would stay in the left lane resulting in an exit or a merge onto the wrong highway. When these things would happen, Maggie would simply redirect Tom or politely ask him to, “make a legal U-Turn whenever possible.” Meanwhile, I would be sitting in the passenger seat about ready to explode because Tom is having difficulty following the simple and precise directions from a GPS that he seems to have great affection for.

I told Tom that I was going to invent the “Naggie”. Tom asked what the “Naggie” was, and I explained that it would be a GPS designed for women with husbands who have difficulty following directions. When Naggie told the driver to make a right turn and the driver disobeyed, Naggie would say, “What part of right turn did you not understand?” When the driver failed to veer to the right, Naggie would say, “You went left, and I said ‘right’. I guess I should have said, ‘Your other right!’” Naggie would also have a built in sensor for when the driver was excessively speeding and she would yell at the driver to, “Slow down! You don’t need another ticket!” Tom was not at all amused by my plans for Naggie.

Sadly I must report that Tom and Maggie have broken up. A couple months ago Tom came home with a new GPS. I asked him what happened to Maggie. Tom said that several days prior Maggie wouldn’t turn on for him. She was cold. Wouldn’t respond to his touch. Suddenly she had a change of heart the next day, and she was back. All lit up and ready to serve. Two days later she left Tom again. This time Tom kicked her to the curb. Well, actually he kicked her to a corner in the garage. He ended their relationship. He said he could take her back after the first time but not after the second time. Tom’s new GPS remains nameless. He is trying to keep this relationship strictly professional so as not to have any hurt feelings. No feelings of being let down. His new GPS also speaks 12 languages so it is way more impressive then Maggie. It would be difficult to have a personal relationship with all 12 ladies.

Still, I felt bad for Maggie, seeing her lying there in a heap in the garage. I took pity on the poor girl and welcomed her into my car. She doesn’t have the same glow about her. She’s a displaced GPS. She took a gamble playing games with Tom, and it cost her big time. She’s doing ok in my car. She hasn’t let me down yet. I guess she learned her lesson. Poor Maggie. She did last longer then a Naggie would in Tom’s car. I’m certain he would kick that to the corner of the garage after one day. Who needs a Naggie when they have a wife?